


Portrait

by KimJongDaeddy



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Anal, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Porn, Canon Era, Canon Universe, M/M, Rimming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-08
Updated: 2018-11-08
Packaged: 2019-08-20 17:05:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16559789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KimJongDaeddy/pseuds/KimJongDaeddy
Summary: Sehun was gorgeous, perfect, wonderful, there weren't enough words for Junmyeon to describe him. But his parents house, the hallway, the portrait that hung within. It forever daunted him, reminding him of what he couldn't have.





	Portrait

**Author's Note:**

> Funnily enough, I got the idea and urge to write this after listening to Dinner for the first time. I'm glad I finally finished it, I just hope it was worth it as I am terrible at pacing a story. Either way, do enjoy!

Junmyeon stared at the family portrait; hanging magnificently directly down the entryway of his parent’s house. The picture was lined with a shining white and black glass crystal frame, shimmering under the hallway lights. It was almost as big as him, having to move his head to observe it from end to end.

The photo was recent; his father insisted it be updated. In it were his father, mother, brother and, of course, himself.

Father, mother, son and son. The perfect family unit.

Father.

Mother.

Son.

Son.

_The perfect family unit._

Junmyeon took a shuddering breath, looking away from his own smiling self.

Echoing steps on a wooden floor made him look back up, seeing a taller man walking towards him. The man was dressed in a perfectly fitted black suit but without the tie, a single button undone to reveal only a slight bit of his chest with hands comfortably sitting in his pockets.

Dashing.

“Did my mother bother you?” Junmyeon smiled. The taller man smiled back.

“Not particularly, just kept fussing over me. Told me to eat healthy, sleep properly, all that jazz.” Junmyeon’s chuckle turned into a warm smile when the man stopped in front of him and softly ran a hand up his arm. “She told me to look after you too, since she knows how you push yourself.”

Junmyeon let himself be embraced as the taller guided him into his arms, sighing fondly as he wrapped his own around the man’s waist and rested his cheek on his shoulder. Why the feeling felt more at home than his actual home, he still didn’t know.

“I should be the one looking after you, Sehun.”

Sehun scoffed lightly. “You have other things to worry about, and you’ve been caring for me almost all my life. I think I’ve grown up enough to care for you now.”

Junmyeon felt himself sink further into the hug, blinking slowly while drifting off in thought. Sehun had been with him ever since the boy – now a man – was thirteen. He never thought he’d make a connection with the kid, nevertheless end up in the same group with him. At first Sehun admired him, followed him around until eventually, Junmyeon decided to care for him. Look out for him. Yet, the closer they got, the more inseparable they became. Even stranger, the more Sehun matured, the more Junmyeon’s feelings twisted. Now, somehow, they’ve been stuck by the hip for over a decade and now…somehow…Sehun felt so right to be with.

Junmyeon wasn’t sure if Sehun felt that too.

“How many times have you come over for dinner now?”

He felt Sehun shrug “I don’t know, too many to count.”

“Right…”

Sehun looked up at the portrait hanging above them, admiring the perfect framing of each family member. Junmyeon wore a simple smile, not as bright as the ones he’d seen, but still sweet.

“You look good in the new picture” Sehun complimented, not noticing the way Junmyeon tensed in his arms.

The smaller man closed his eyes with a furrowed brow as he gripped Sehun harder before letting out a long, controlled sigh and loosening his hold to move away from the hug. If his mother or father saw the interaction, they’d pay no mind. It’d be Junmyeon himself, however, that’d feel an uncomfortable knot in his stomach.

“I’m tired...” he muttered, grabbing Sehun’s hands in his own. “Let’s go before my parents realise we’re still here.”

With a nod the two walked out, Sehun wrapping an arm around Junmyeon’s waist to lead him out. Before the door closed behind them the smaller looked over his shoulder, catching one last glimpse of the family portrait until it was out of sight.

\----

“How was dinner last night?” Jongdae asked, stretching his muscles before they started practice for their upcoming comeback.

Junmyeon shrugged, doing the same and sitting on the floor with his leg stretched out, reaching his fingertips to his toes. “You know, same old same old. Parents were happy to see Sehun, asked him more questions than they asked me.”

Jongdae laughed, changing position to see Sehun stretching with Jongin. “I swear they’re going to adopt him soon. He’s the only one your parents ask to bring over. I’ve only been to your parent’s like, what, twice?”

“Yeah…I think so…”

Junmyeon’s parents never asked specifically for Sehun; they’d just ask him to bring someone over. He thinks Sehun didn’t know. He assumed Junmyeon’s parents always asked for him, as did everyone else. Junmyeon had tried bringing other members with him, but Sehun comforted him in a way the others simply couldn’t.

That house.

His parents.

The _portrait_.

It irked him. Quite honestly, he hated going there. Sehun made it bearable, he made it just that bit more comfortable.

Junmyeon didn’t think Sehun knew that.

“Speak of the devil,” Jongdae spoke, blinking Junmyeon out of his thoughts.

He was only wearing a plain auburn t-shirt, Adidas sweat pants and worn in sand shoes. All topped off with his unstyled, fluffy hair. Yet Sehun walked – no – strutted, as if he owned the world. Was it just in Junmyeon’s eyes? Maybe so.

Jongdae walked off as Sehun walked near, the younger leaning down in front of Junmyeon and smiling at him warmly, a black lock of his fringe falling in front of his eyes.

Gorgeous.

“Need help with stretching?”

Junmyeon smiled back and shook his head. Sehun ignored him, though, and without a word softly grabbed one of Junmyeon’s hand’s to lightly trace his fingers over the back of it, only to slowly move his fingers further and further up Junmyeon’s arm, leaving goose bumps behind them. The touches were so simple, something they’d done many times before, yet each time Junmyeon would feel himself getting hotter and hotter. He could feel himself burning this time. It wasn’t uncomfortable, though, the opposite really. He loved how Sehun made his skin tingle.

“Don’t strain yourself; I noticed you haven’t been sleeping well lately.” Sehun spoke softly, his touches making Junmyeon moan appreciatively.

“It’s just nightmares, I’ll get over them.”

Sehun didn’t ask any further questions, knowing if Junmyeon wanted to tell him, he would. However, if Junmyeon were to be honest, he really wanted to tell Sehun. He wanted to tell him everything. The weight sitting on his shoulders only got heavier.

Sehun.

His parents.

The portrait.

_Heavier, heavier and heavier._

But he couldn’t relieve it, any of it. It was better not to.

Still, he was scared, because he knew Sehun knew. He couldn’t hide a thing from Sehun, not about himself or his emotions, and he was scared one day Sehun would push. Junmyeon truly had no clue how he’d handle the situation if it ever came to that. He just continued to hope it never would.

“You know, I didn’t want to tell you last night,” Sehun started unsurely “but your mum said something strange to me.”

Junmyeon blinked, knowing Sehun felt him tense under his touches “Strange how?”

With cautious eyes Sehun looked up at the elder, stopping his touches to wrap his fingers around Junmyeon’s hand. “She told me everyone else must be so busy for me to be the only one to come over all the time. She said she didn’t mind at all, but try and make the others come over when they can. Weird, considering everyone else was sitting bored in the dorm last night, right?”

The question was there, unasked but clear in Sehun’s eyes. Junmyeon didn’t know how to respond, instead inwardly scolding himself for leaving Sehun with his mother. The truth was bound to come out eventually though, Junmyeon knew that, yet he couldn’t stop the nervous shake of his pupils that Sehun could inevitably see.

“That’s…very weird” Junmyeon laughed uncomfortably while his gaze dropped to the ground.

“I knew.”

Junmyeon’s eyes shot up at the man, looking into his still questioning eyes. However, with gentle movement, Sehun lifted his hyung’s hand to softly plant his lips against the back of it; a gesture that said _“You don’t have to tell me now.”_

The choreographer called for them to begin their practice. Sehun gave Junmyeon a smile before tenderly giving his hand one last reassuring squeeze and standing up, leaving Junmyeon to sit alone on the floor.

All he could think about was the portrait that hung magnificently on his parent’s wall. No, not magnificently, menacingly.

_Father._

_Mother._

_Son._

_Son._

_The perfect family unit._

The weight, it got heavier, ridiculously heavier.

Sehun knew, Junmyeon knew he knew, so why? Why did he feel like a deer in the headlights?

For the longest time he’d been staring down the rabbit hole, trying so carefully not to fall. Wait, no, that’s not right. He was already falling; he’d been falling for such a long time and he was content with it. Only now had Sehun finally decided to pay attention to it. Sehun had finally decided to push.

Only now had Junmyeon hit the bottom of the rabbit hole.

\----

Comeback time was always stressful. They all wanted to deliver, they had such big expectations to meet, and so many of them got through it without a wink of sleep. Junmyeon especially never got a decent sleep all throughout promotions; not only his worries but the worries of the rest of the members heavy on his mind.

He lay in bed with his eyes squeezed shut, attempting to force himself to sleep, but opening his eyes with a sigh upon realising that – just like every other time – it wouldn’t work. He rolled over in the king sized bed, the empty space of it seeming to stretch out forever through his eyes.

What Sehun had said that day wouldn’t leave his thoughts, the one line repeating over and over again like an endless echo.

_“I knew.”_

Junmyeon flopped flat on his back with a groan and rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands. He’d felt like a child that’d been caught with their hand in the cookie jar because of those two words. What explanation he’d give to Sehun, he didn’t know, and it’d been three days since he’d said those two dreadful words. Sehun hadn’t brought it up again, he didn’t push Junmyeon to explain a thing and Junmyeon was both grateful and fearful.

_“I knew.”_

It sounded as if Sehun was talking about _more_ than the dinner invites, _more_ than what his mother had said to the younger. He knew what? What was Sehun talking about specifically? Surely it couldn’t just be that Junmyeon had been lying through his teeth for years.

No, it wasn’t. He knew it wasn’t. Sehun had implied something else with those words, something more, and Junmyeon was hoping so badly that it wasn’t what he knew it was.

Sehun’s cautious but questioning eyes, his soft reassuring touches.

God, Sehun knew.

He _knew_.

“Fuck.”

The portrait flashed behind his eyes; his smiling father, his smiling mother, his smiling brother and his own stupid smiling self.

“Fuck!”

Junmyeon jolted upright and shoved his head in his hands, tugging at his own hair while breathing quickly and heavily. It was three am, he had to be up in three hours and he sure didn’t have the luxury to worry about anything else other than the comeback. Yet because of two stupid words, stupid Sehun wouldn’t stop digging into his stupid head.

Stupid, gorgeous, perfect Sehun.

“Oh god,” Junmyeon whined, feeling tears of frustration begin to prick at his eyes. He was stuck in the situation he’d been trying to avoid for years and he’d begun to break down.

After a moment of silence a knock on his door made his head shoot up, the light _“Hyung?”_ behind it making the hair on the back of his neck stand on end. He didn’t have to say anything for the door to open, revealing a sleepy eyed Sehun.

“Hyung, are you alright? Were you yelling?”

Junmyeon let out a shuddered breath before putting on a soft smile for the younger. “It’s just night terrors, go back to bed.”

“I know you haven’t slept.” Sehun sighed, walking into the room and closing the door behind him. “You don’t yell when you have night terrors, you whine. Your hair’s way too neat to be a bed head anyway.”

Junmyeon’s smile dropped, Sehun knew things about him that not even he himself knew and it made his heart dangerously thump, which only escalated as Sehun began to walk towards him. There were no words shared between them as Sehun sat on the edge of the bed and stared at Junmyeon with his tired eyes.

“W-what?” the elder stuttered, feeling the piercing eyes of Sehun on him all too much.

Carefully, Sehun raised his hands to tenderly place them on Junmyeon’s now heated cheeks and narrowed his eyes to examine the leader further. Junmyeon wrapped his fingers around Sehun’s wrist, his head telling him to pull Sehun off him but his body not complying with it.

He knew what Sehun was doing; it was their way of checking up on the other. But the more Sehun stared, the hotter Junmyeon felt, and the stranger everything seemed. Sehun touching him wasn’t a rare occurrence; he’d caressed him and pet him uncountable times. So why this time felt tenderer – more intimate than all those other times – Junmyeon didn’t know, but it shook him to the bone.

It’s as if Sehun felt his shift of breath because the younger’s eyes blinked out of their narrowed, tired state to wide, blinking ones. He wasn’t checking up on Junmyeon anymore, he was actually _looking_ at him, and Sehun could feel the red flush on the other’s cheeks more than he could see it. He could feel Junmyeon’s hot, heavy breath on his skin and could almost hear the leader’s thumping heartbeat.

Everything sounded so loud in the silent room. So loud, in fact, that Junmyeon heard Sehun swallow hard.

“Junmyeon,” Sehun breathed, the absence of honorifics making a tingle go up said man’s spine.

Sehun began softly stroking a thumb across Junmyeon’s cheek and the fingers wrapped around his wrist tightened. Junmyeon’s whole body was rapidly heating up as Sehun’s eyes were now lidded and sparkling beautifully. They said so much, unspoken words that he could hear loud and clear. It was a dangerous situation, even more so when Sehun began to lean in ever so slowly.

Junmyeon’s head was spinning, everything felt far too hot. He could feel his eyes start to close the closer Sehun got. He could feel Sehun’s forehead press against his; he could feel their noses touch. He could feel his heavy breath against his lips. Then, with only an inch of space left between them-

“Don’t.”

Sehun immediately stopped, opening his eyes to see Junmyeon’s pleading ones.

“Don’t, please.”

There was a pregnant pause, the two of them staying that single inch from each other. It was so close, so easy to take, but Sehun respected Junmyeon’s wishes and dropped his hands from his hyung’s face while leaning away from him. The hand on his wrist didn’t let go, however, and Sehun delicately made Junmyeon’s hand slide into his own. Softly, he brought the back of Junmyeon’s hand up to his lips to give it a sweet, chaste kiss.

“Okay” Sehun whispered, sounding almost pained.

Junmyeon lifted his hand, sliding it up from Sehun’s neck to his cheek where Sehun comfortably leaned into it with closed, content eyes. It was strange, Junmyeon thought, that the boy he’d met all those years ago could change so much while still remaining exactly the same. It was also strange, Junmyeon continued to think, that this boy – now a man – could cause him so much trouble when their relationship started relatively innocent. It was almost cruel, really.

“Stay with me tonight?”

It was meant to be a question, but it sounded more like a plea.

Instead of speaking, Sehun only nodded and moved both himself and Junmyeon under the covers. For the last three hours of the night, the two stayed in each other’s arms, awake for most of it and feeling the other’s heart beating heavily.

Junmyeon felt so at home, he felt so secure and safe. Yet, at the same time, he felt like sobbing from the tight embrace. Sehun was his Garden of Eden, and Junmyeon was using all his willpower to not bite into the forbidden fruit. He’d feel himself losing strength, losing his will, but then he’d see the portrait, always the portrait.

_Father._

_Mother._

_Son._

_Son._

It hurt. Oh god, did it hurt.

\----

Their first meeting, to say the least, was embarrassing. Sehun constantly teased Junmyeon for it, to which Junmyeon would immediately try to get him to shut up whenever he brought it up. Sehun was only a middle schooler back then, he watched Junmyeon with intrigued eyes as the high school teenager – at the time – stopped to fix his hair in the mirror after walking into the SM building. Sehun had decided to introduce himself to the teenager, to which Junmyeon demanded the child greet him properly or not talk to him at all. Of course, Sehun was just a child, and Junmyeon had scared the life out of him.

It was so embarrassing, Junmyeon thought as he stared at Sehun who was currently practicing his dance routine with Jongin. He was only a teenager back then, though, just a hormonal mess of self-doubt and worry while trying to find his place in the world. Of course he’d take it out on a rookie trainee, on a child, even if it was his first day in the SM building and it was an asshole thing for Junmyeon to do.

Yet, for whatever reason, Sehun didn’t let up. After their first encounter he tried his hardest to greet Junmyeon properly, to respect him as a senior, and Junmyeon eventually ‘tolerated’ the kid. When finding out he’d finally be able to debut he was ecstatic, when told he’d be the leader of the group he readily took on the role, and when discovering Sehun would be in the same group he took it upon himself to start looking after the boy. At first, Sehun was flustered to have Junmyeon suddenly talking to him, confused as to why his stingy hyung was now all smiles and encouraging words.

_“Junmyeon hyung…”_ he had said, looking nervous as he carefully worded his question. _“You’d still treat me like this…even if I wasn’t going to be in your group, right?”_

With that single question, Junmyeon had frozen in his little teenage shoes. The glint of hope in Sehun’s eyes was almost heartbreaking, so much so that Junmyeon could only stare back with wide, guilty eyes. It was at that point Junmyeon had realised he’d gotten so competitive with the other trainees, had let his hormone driven worries of _needing_ to succeed gotten so out on hand that he’d stopped putting himself as a _person_ above himself as an SM trainee. What had defined him at that time? He was nothing but a stuck up, too competitive SM trainee, and for the first time he felt ashamed for it.

Who would Junmyeon be without Sehun? He really didn’t know, but he knew it wouldn’t be good. Sehun was so young, so wide eyed and hopeful that it broke Junmyeon out of his pretentious shell he’d accidentally created around himself. From that point onwards he’d felt the need to help Sehun, not because Sehun would be in his group but because he wanted to. He wanted to help shape Sehun into a caring person and a humble adult, something Sehun had helped shape _him_ into. Back then, it was just mutual respect between a senior and his junior, the two of them slowly coming closer and closer throughout the years. Junmyeon had seen him as a kid for so long, had seen him as nothing than someone he _needed_ to look after and care for, that he didn’t realise just how much Sehun had grown up. Not just how much…but how _well_.

Watching Sehun now, watching the sweat drip from his forehead to his jaw as he worked diligently on his dance with Jongin, seeing the concentration and passion in his eyes to do everything right and to do it well; it made Junmyeon’s heart thump. Sehun’s growth had hit Junmyeon like a herd of stampeding elephants; roughly and without warning. Since when, he thought, had Sehun become a man? He was so small when they first met, so nervous with such a limited vocabulary. How had he shot up to now tower over Junmyeon, to now say such sweet and calming things that make Junmyeon’s body heat up as he buries his face in Sehun’s broad chest? That mutual respect between senior and junior had suddenly evolved and mutated into something weird and complicated, Junmyeon wanted to say gloopy. Yeah, that’s it, their relationship was just gloopy now; a complete confusing mess of different things all mashed together.

The music in the studio stopped and Sehun took a long breath, grabbing the towel handed to him by Jongin to wipe the sweat from his face and neck. He noticed Junmyeon staring at him intensely in the mirror, the man curled up against the wall with his knees tucked up to his chest. The dancer turned towards his little hyung, smiling sweetly at Junmyeon from across the room.

_“He’s gorgeous, so gorgeous.”_ Junmyeon’s head echoed, feeling himself flush from the smile alone.

Sehun furrowed his brow and tilted his head, still smiling warmly. It was at that point Junmyeon realised he hadn’t responded to Sehun’s gesture, still just staring at him with wide eyes. The dancer had begun to walk over to him, making the man panic and shove his red face into his arms. Sehun’s steps were deafening, getting louder and louder the closer he got until-

“You were watching that whole time, was I doing something wrong?”

Junmyeon tried to reply, but was muffled because of his position.

“Sorry?”

“I said that you’re the dancer, not me, how would I know?”

Sehun snickered, sitting himself in front of the leader and leaning back on his palms. Junmyeon’s eyes were automatically drawn to the man’s sweaty chest, the singlet he wore loose and low hanging. It was when Sehun spoke again that Junmyeon had realised he’d been staring.

“I was worried the dye was dripping from my hair, I kept watching for it because of you.”

That’s right, Sehun had just dyed his hair a dark red. It looked good on him, too good. Junmyeon constantly had the urge to touch it, to run his hands through it, even to…tug it? At this point, he didn’t know, everywhere seemed nowhere and nowhere seemed everywhere because of Sehun.

“Hyung?” Sehun spoke, his eyes wide and questioning.

Junmyeon realised the position he was in, arm reached out and touching Sehun’s hair. How had he not realised? Was he really that deep in thought?

“Oh, ha,” Junmyeon let out a nervous huff, quickly ruffling the dancer’s hair. “Yeah it looks good, Sehunnie, suits you well.”

Before he could pull his hand away, Sehun grabbed it, causing Junmyeon to stiffen. He looked up at Sehun who’s eyes were intense, but also…pleading? He wasn’t too sure.

“Junmyeon,” Sehun spoke, said man blinking in surprise. “Don’t you think we should…talk?”

“Talk?” Junmyeon laughed nervously, feeling Sehun’s fingers around his hand all too much. “About what, Sehun? The comeback?”

Sehun pursed his lips for a moment, before letting out a sigh and flicking a tongue over them nervously. “Please, Junmyeon, it’s been weeks. I need to…talk to you.”

_‘Junmyeon’_ , that’s what Sehun kept calling him. Back when they were trainees, Junmyeon would’ve gotten mad at him for that, would’ve scolded him for speaking to him informally. Back when their relationship was simply senior and junior, before Sehun had become such a clean cut, respectable man.

Junmyeon couldn’t stop staring, couldn’t keep his eyes off Sehun’s handsome face. Maybe they should talk, maybe they could finally figure out this gloop of a relationship they had. But the portrait, Junmyeon’s family portrait, it flashed before his eyes and made him panic enough to rip his hand from Sehun’s.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Junmyeon stated, smiling as he stood up. “You should get back to practicing soon, I’ll go check up on the others.”

He walked away before Sehun could stop him, hearing the dancer call for him once before closing the studio door behind him. While walking down the hallway, Junmyeon put a hand on his forehead, letting out too many shuddering breaths.

Oblivious is how he had to live, oblivious and unaware. It was easy to do so before, so, so easy. When did it all become so complicated? When did everything just become one big gloop?

\----

“Why’ve you been weird lately?” Minseok asked seemingly out of nowhere as he picked up the trash littering Junmyeon’s room; he could only let the poor floor suffer for so long.

Junmyeon peeked from around his book, sliding his glasses down to look at the elder. “Huh? Where’d this come from?”

Minseok shrugged, dusting his hands as he dropped the assortment of food wraps and scraps into the trash. “Well, you seem to keep shrugging Sehun off. If it’s always a smile and a laugh with you, then something’s up. So what’s up?”

The leader smiled and laughed out “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“See?” Minseok accused, making Junmyeon’s eyes widen.

“Oh shit.”

The sound of Minseok clicking his tongue in disapproval had Junmyeon looking down in guilt, the words in his book all scrambled around with the lack of concentration he now had. With a sigh Junmyeon took off his glasses to fold them on his bedside table along with his book, now sitting up and crossing his legs.

“I’m…scared.”

“Of what?”

“Sehun.”

Minseok froze, his hand reaching out to a dirty shirt on the floor immediately stopping. He looked towards Junmyeon with a furrowed brow, slowly standing back up as he thought his question through.

“Has he…hurt you?”

“Oh god!” Junmyeon burst out, frantically waving his hands around. “No, no it’s nothing like that! He’d never do that.”

The elder sighed in relief, dropping down onto the end of the other’s bed while quickly massaging his heart. “Thank Christ, I was worried we had a violent fallout here.”

There was a pregnant pause between the two, Minseok looking over to his leader with deep concern. Junmyeon was definitely nervous, the way he kept squeezing his own knees making it obvious enough. The situation seemed genuinely serious and, in all honesty, Minseok had expected it to just be a petty argument.

“Sehun hasn’t done anything,” Junmyeon confessed.

“Then…why?”

The leader bit his lip, now bringing his knees to his chest and hugging them tightly. What was he supposed to say? That Sehun discovered it was only him Junmyeon took to his household? That the kiss they’d almost shared shook him to the bone? That the portrait hung in his parent’s corridor absolutely terrified him? Minseok wouldn’t understand any of it, it was impossible to explain.

“Sorry, hyung, but I don’t think I can say…”

Minseok would say he should see a psychiatrist, but he knew Junmyeon didn’t trust anyone outside of his close friend circle. Being an idol, you didn’t know who you could trust. That client confidentiality applied to none of them; which Minseok personally found far too pessimistic of him to think but there was caution in his outlook.

“Well, uh,” Minseok started, trying to think of how to help in a situation he knew literally nothing about. “Have you…talked to him about it? I mean, have you left Sehun in the dark?”

Junmyeon groaned at that, thinking of Sehun’s confused and disappointed face each time he waved him off whenever the younger even _tried_ talking to him. He was sure Sehun knew, though, with how they almost shared a kiss that night. Even so, not even letting Sehun talk to him wasn’t fair. Jesus, he was the leader _and_ Sehun’s elder; yet here he was acting like the sulky teenager he used to be all those years ago. At this point Junmyeon wasn’t sure if his brain was still in his head.

“I’m scared of the conversation we’ll have,” he admitted. Minseok let out a sound of understanding.

“Well now I _know_ you need to talk to him. Scared or not, this sounds like a conversation you need to face eventually.”

Minseok was right, Junmyeon knew it all too well. Sehun didn’t do anything to deserve the cold shoulder; and for Junmyeon to live in blissful ignorance he’d have to continue giving Sehun the cold shoulder. It was either live each day speaking single sentences to Sehun, or finally talk everything through. Honestly, both options weren’t appealing, but one was far less appealing than the other.

“Okay,” Junmyeon agreed.

The two were interrupted by a silent knock on the door, both looking up to see Sehun standing in the doorway with curious eyes.

“Right, I’ll leave,” Minseok sighed, about to get off the bed before Sehun stopped him.

“No, hyung, it’s okay. I was just going to ask…Junmyeon-hyung, you know the summer house my parents have?” Junmyeon nodded, noticing how apprehensive Sehun seemed to be. “Well, they’re not going to be there this summer. I was wondering if you still wanted to go there with…me?”

Minseok turned to Junmyeon expectantly, the leader feeling his stomach drop at the question but knowing from the elder’s raised eyebrows how he should answer the invitation.

He needed to do it, he had to take this opportunity to make things right.

“Sure,” Junmyeon smiled warmly, seeing Sehun’s eyes brighten from the answer.

“Oh, really? Then, uh, I guess we’ll leave in two weeks. Is that alright with you?”

Junmyeon nodded “Sounds great.”

Sehun grinned widely, his eyes tiny crescents as he said a quick goodbye and left the room. Minseok smiled at the leader who let out a shaky, worried sigh.

“You’re doing the right thing, Junmyeon. As long as you talk to him, that is.”

“I know,” Junmyeon reassured, “I’ll do it, don’t worry.”

Minseok nodded, stretching as he hopped off the bed. “Good, and don’t forget to wash these clothes” he reminded as he picked up a dirty shirt to throw at the younger’s face, making Junmyeon yank the filthy cloth away from himself. “Your room smells awful, no wonder Sehun abandoned you.”

“Oh, just get out.”

“Sure thing,” Minseok snickered, turning back narrow his eyes at the other. “Remember, talk to him. You better not back out of this.”

“I won’t!” Junmyeon deadpanned, falling back against his bed rest as the elder walked out of his room.

He wouldn’t back out of it, he couldn’t. Well…he hoped he wouldn’t.

\----

Two weeks flew by far too quickly, each day the summer house trip getting closer and closer while Junmyeon became more of a nervous wreck. Before he knew it he was out the door with suitcase in hand and Sehun behind him, the younger taking the wheel to drive them to the airport. The summer house was on Jeju island, built in the middle of lush forest and just a walk away from a mostly private patch of beach; completely isolated. Sehun had bought the place for his parents, his mother having always complained about the busy life in Seoul and wanting to get away from it with his father readily agreeing. However, because of busy work schedules, the usually family trip had been cancelled. So, instead, it’d just be the two of them.

The ride over was quiet, the words passed between the two of them barely passing for conversation. Although, Sehun didn’t seem focused on conversation anyway – Junmyeon noticed – and the elder felt anxious being unable to read what Sehun was thinking; his eyes hidden behind dark sunglasses. Of course, Junmyeon didn’t mind the silence, instead staring at Sehun from the side. The man’s jaw was sharp and his skin was ridiculously smooth, even without makeup, it glowed. Then there were his lips, plush and pink, while his mouth was partly open; a habit the younger was unable to break. He looked so different from when he was a child, even though the changes were subtle, they were noticeable. Sehun’s face was now defined, suiting his wide, toned torso.

There was no other word to call him but beautiful.

Sehun turned to look at his hyung, catching the man staring and smiled back almost smugly. Junmyeon snapped his head away, his ears tinting red. Before Sehun could say a thing Junmyeon lunged towards the radio, turning the music up to a deafening volume. Luckily, it was a Sistar song, and Junmyeon belted his lungs out to it. Sehun chuckled and turned back to the road, letting the elder’s sweet voice serenade him for the rest of the car ride.

The plane ride was also quiet, Sehun listening to music for the majority of the trip. The plane was so quiet, in fact, that Junmyeon could hear what the other was listening to through his earphones. It had ended up being ‘Dinner’, the song he’d sung with Jane. Junmyeon didn’t know why, but it made his face feel hot. Sehun seemed so relaxed, so content while listening to his song, _his_ voice. He had to swallow hard, trying to pull himself together. He was a singer, his voice is constantly listened to, constantly critiqued; Sehun being a listener was no different. Even so, Junmyeon made sure to keep a distance between his and Sehun’s hands, eyeing the latter’s that lay on the small armrest.

When finally arriving at the summer house, Junmyeon couldn’t help but look around in marvel as he followed Sehun through the front door. He’d only seen the place in pictures, Sehun having been very excited when he bought it and Junmyeon could see why. The roof was very high, every wall painted a shining white. There were windows on the ceiling, letting the natural light filter in to brighten everything and create an image so serene it seemed unreal. The back of the house had two large glass doors which opened to a path through the forest, leading to a part of the beach that was mostly cut off from the public. The whole house was set up like a luxury island villa, which might as well have been what it was.

“This is wonderful” Junmyeon beamed, already feeling his body relax. “We’re going to be here for three weeks?”

“Yup,” Sehun affirmed, setting his luggage down. “You don’t think anyone saw us come over, do you?”

“They always do” Junmyeon sighed, whipping out his phone because of Sehun’s question.

Of course, scrolling through twitter, he could see blurry photos taken of him and Sehun at the airport heading to Jeju. Luckily there seemed to be nothing of them actually at Jeju, so that was something.

“What do you want to do first?” Sehun asked, flopping onto the big couch and letting his head fall back.

Junmyeon thought it over for a moment, eyeing the two big glass doors at the back of the house. “We could check out the beach?”

“Not unpack?” Sehun smiled, tilting his head cutely as Junmyeon scrunched up his face in disapproval. “Oh, of course not. You’re literally going to live out of your suitcase for these next three weeks, aren’t you?”

The elder didn’t want to say he was right, but his silence was enough.

“Okay, I’ll unpack _our_ suitcases” Sehun caved, getting up from the couch. “Just wait for me so we can explore together.”

Junmyeon did as he was told, looking around the summer house while waiting. The kitchen was huge and stocked with food, Junmyeon had no idea when Sehun got onto that. There were at least six bedrooms, a ridiculous amount for anyone who wasn’t a double digit member group. The main bathroom, he discovered, was humungous; a ridiculous sized hot tub placed in the very centre of the room.

After wandering around the house he went to find Sehun, seeing that the man was setting up in the largest room with both suitcases open and almost empty.

“Oh,” Junmyeon uttered, catching Sehun’s attention as the man looked back.

“Oh?”

“I just…didn’t realise we were sharing a room.” Junmyeon laughed, trying not to sound nervous.

“There _are_ six rooms” Sehun admitted, “but with how big this place is I thought you’d feel lonely.”

“Right…” Junmyeon swallowed, the silence settling between them becoming deafening.

“Well, I’m done now,” Sehun quickly chimed as he slammed both suitcases shut and wheeled them into a large closet. “Do you want to check out the beach?”

“Sure.”

Junmyeon was worried there’d be an elephant in every room for the trip, yet heading to the beach seemed to relieve the tension for both of them. Junmyeon felt stress free for the first time in months, and Sehun could finally relax his sore muscles after a successful comeback. The younger lied back on the beach with a lazy sigh while Junmyeon stood in the wet sand, feeling the squishy crunch between his toes. It really was isolated, the forest enclosing the part of the beach they were on to make it so no one could accidentally stumble upon it. Junmyeon loved being an idol, he truly did and he’d forever be grateful for it, but privacy was always welcomed.

After a few minutes the sun begun to set over the horizon, the two having landed in Jeju during early afternoon. Junmyeon decided to walk back to Sehun, sitting next to him in the soft sand as he watched the sky go a mix of reds, oranges and pinks. Sehun had a cap over his face, giving Junmyeon free reign to ogle at him without fear of getting caught. His body – shoulders, chest, waist, legs – it was all so gorgeous. Truly, Sehun was like a flawlessly made marble statue, each inch of him carved to perfection. It was so unfair, how could anyone – man or woman – compare to this?

“You’re staring again” Sehun sighed, causing Junmyeon to give him wide eyes and notice Sehun peeking out from under his cap. Junmyeon quickly turned away, making Sehun sit back on his elbows as he let the cap fall from his face and onto the sandy ground. “You’ve been doing that a lot lately, you know.”

“What?” Junmyeon played dumb, it was the only line of defence he had.

“Staring.”

“At what?”

“At me.”

Junmyeon scoffed, rolling his eyes before letting his head rest on his tucked up knees.

“Don’t think I haven’t noticed,” Sehun began as he shuffled to get comfortable. “I mean, I’m flattered, but you’ve been doing it for weeks now.”

“I’m just looking out for you” Junmyeon mumbled, receiving a scoff from Sehun.

“That’s a load of crap.”

“It’s true!”

Junmyeon had whipped his head towards Sehun, the man’s eyebrows raised and clearly unconvinced. The elder couldn’t say anything else, instead turning back towards the sunset; feeling his palms begin to sweat.

“You don’t have to tell me now,” Sehun stood, dusting the sand from his back, “but I’m hoping you’ll tell me soon. I’m happy to be here with you, Junmyeon, I really am. I didn’t think you’d say yes to this. But if the trip is going to be enjoyable, then you need to talk to me.”

Junmyeon didn’t respond, only hearing the frustrated sigh from Sehun as the younger walked back towards the summer house.

When? When did Sehun become this mature? Become this good with words? It seemed unfair, and it made Junmyeon feel like a child. Even dropping the honorifics to just call him _Junmyeon_ , what was he trying to do? At least the elephant had been somewhat addressed, what with Sehun poking cautiously at it, and Junmyeon knew he was trying to create an easy opening.

Junmyeon spent the majority of the night lying chest down on the couch; his head tilted to the side and his cheek squished into the couch cushion to watch the television. Sehun was next to him, sitting up and arm spread along the back of the couch. There was nothing on, both knew it, yet both didn’t want to say anything. Eventually Junmyeon gave in, though, and buried his face into the cushions while letting out a groan.

“What?” Sehun chuckled, looking down at his little hyung in amusement.

“I’m so bored” Junmyeon’s voice was muffled, making the younger smile.

Sehun moved his hand down to run it through Junmyeon’s hair, causing the other to tense until Sehun was effectively giving him a scalp massage. Junmyeon’s whole body started melting at that point, releasing an appreciative moan as he moved his head to the side again.

“Well, what do you want to do?” Sehun questioned, admiring his leader’s shiny locks as he threaded his fingers through them.

Quite honestly, Junmyeon didn’t know what there was _to_ do. All he knew was that he was bored and he wasn’t at all tired, even if it was reaching midnight. A silence fell between them as the man thought about it, but for the first time in a long time, it was pleasant. Sehun broke it, however, by hesitantly saying;

“I’ve missed you…”

Junmyeon’s whole body tensed, and he huffed as he too forcefully pushed Sehun’s hand off him when sitting up. His hair was a mess from Sehun’s caresses, but his expression had turned sour. All the pent up stress he thought he’d released was slowly seeping back and his head was telling him to get out of there.

“Why do you have to do that?” Junmyeon muttered, making Sehun frown.

“Sorry?”

“Make these moments awkward.”

“Me?!” Junmyeon was about ready to leave, but Sehun caught him by the wrist before he could walk off. “No, don’t you dare! You can’t just say that and walk off, Junmyeon.”

“And that’s another thing!” Junmyeon snapped, ripping his wrist away from the younger. “Why are you calling me by my name so easily? I am your hyung, you should be calling me hyung!”

Sehun stood up as Junmyeon tried to walk off, following him through the house. “Is that why you’re mad at me, _hyung_?”

Sehun hissed the word, making Junmyeon whip around with raging eyes.

“Is that why you won’t speak to me, _hyung_?” Sehun continued, puffing out his chest as he stepped closer to the smaller man. “Is that why you’ve been avoiding me for so many weeks? Or is it because I tried to kiss you, huh? Are you even going to mention that?”

“I am your senior!” Junmyeon screeched, feeling the blood pumping through his head. “Respect me when you talk to me, don’t speak like that to me!”

“Bullshit!” Sehun swore.

“Sehun, I am your _hyung_ -“

“SHUT _UP!_ ”

Sehun roared the demand, grabbing Junmyeon by the shoulders to slam him against the wall. Junmyeon felt his legs shake, horrified at the intensity of Sehun’s sharp, begging eyes that were piercing directly into his own. He knew Sehun wouldn’t hurt him, but for a moment he swore the man was seeing red.

“I _never_ saw you like that!” the younger cried out hysterically, digging his fingers into the elder’s shoulders. “I _never_ saw you as just a _hyung_. The first time I saw you, the first time I spoke to you I- I couldn’t control anything. You were so… something? I-I don’t know, Junmyeon, I don’t know what you are-“

Sehun started blubbering nonsense, his eyes going red and wet as he tried to explain himself. He was on the verge of a breakdown, and Junmyeon knew it was all his fault, having put the younger in a stupid situation.

“Is it me, Junmyeon? Is that it? Am I gross to you now because of what I tried?” Sehun sobbed desperately, letting his head fall forward. “I thought- I thought I knew you but I’m so confused at what to do, as to what you’re _thinking_.”

“It’s not you” Junmyeon finally spoke, having Sehun’s head pop up so the elder could see his teary eyes. “I’m just…Sehun, I-“

“What?” Sehun coaxed, desperately searching his eyes for an answer.

“Sehun, I’m so scared,” Junmyeon finally admitted, tears falling from his eyes as his lips twitched into a woeful smile. “I was only meant to be your senior, this was just meant to be a relationship between junior and senior, but you’re making it so hard.”

Junmyeon couldn’t hold back the sob that tore through his throat as his face contorted into a pitiful expression, making him lean his head forward as he covered his face with his hands. He knew, he always knew how Sehun felt, and it seemed Sehun knew the same about him. They couldn’t just ignore it, the pot had been boiling for a long time and it’d finally bubbled over. Junmyeon couldn’t do it, he couldn’t pretend anymore. He’d been down the rabbit hole for such a long time and he couldn’t hide from that fact anymore.

He just didn’t want to see the portrait; he didn’t want it to haunt him any longer.

“Junmyeon” Sehun spoke softly, now standing back to give the smaller man space. “Do you…hate yourself? Is that why?”

“No,” Junmyeon sniffed, pulling himself together enough to let his arms flop to his sides. “I don't hate myself, never did. I just can't act for myself. That's what I hate."

Neither knew what to say after that, Sehun looking unsurely at the elder while Junmyeon loosely crossed his arms and stared at the floor. Sehun eventually took the situation into his own hands and grabbed Junmyeon to lead him back to the living room, giving him a box of tissues as they sat back on the couch together.

“So,” Sehun started unsurely, “then what are you scared of, exactly?”

Junmyeon sighed, “You know my parents, Sehun. They expect me to have a family, to find a girl and settle down. There’s nothing I can do; I know there’s nothing. I don’t know how you can live so carefree…”

“It’s my life,” Sehun shrugged “I love my family, I do, but they can’t stop me from…” Sehun unsurely glanced up at Junmyeon “being with somebody.

“The portrait,” Junmyeon spoke “the big one that hangs in the hallway at my parent’s house. You know it?” Sehun nodded, watching as Junmyeon had to gather his words before finally letting it all out. “That’s what they expect from me, it’s _all_ they expect from me. Father, mother, and two children. I can’t live like you can, I can’t be carefree; it’s a luxury I can’t afford.”

Junmyeon slumped back against the couch, Sehun now looking around the room in thought. The smaller threw his used tissues onto the table, watching as they bounced off and onto the ground.

“But there’s no portrait here” Sehun suddenly piped up, making Junmyeon groan.

“Sehun, I-“

“Junmyeon,” Sehun cut him off, moving closer to the man to tenderly rest a hand over the other’s. “I’ve liked you, for so long. I-I’m even willing to say I love you, and to get that off my chest after all this time feels so good.”

Junmyeon blinked, flushing red at the words and now feeling Sehun’s touch all too much.

“I’ve been after you all these years, and even if you won’t say it I’m sure you feel the same way back.”

“That’s bold of you to assume,” Junmyeon snickered lightly, earning a soft smile in return.

“Will you tell me I’m wrong?”

Junmyeon went silent, feeling before seeing Sehun shuffle closer to him. He softly made Junmyeon turn his hand so his palm was facing up, making it so their fingers intertwine.

“I know you’re scared of the portrait” Sehun worded carefully, clearly thinking hard. “I know I can’t really help you with that but we’re out of Seoul, we’re away from your family and the portrait. Can’t you let go while you’re here? While you’re with just me?”

Junmyeon stared at Sehun with longing eyes, then glanced down at their hands which seemed to perfectly mould together, before glancing up at Sehun once more. Sehun was a little slice of heaven, the temptation so ridiculous for Junmyeon that it made his heart ache. Here he was, with the most perfect person looking at him expectantly, hopefully, and it tore him apart. Yet, a little part of him was still saying to hold on, to not give in, and he tried so hard to listen to it.

“Sehun, I’ve known you since you were a literal child. Don’t you think it’s strange?”

“I don’t care,” Sehun immediately rebutted, squeezing his hand tighter.

The little part was slowly being extinguished.

“But I’ve looked after you all these years,” Junmyeon smiled.

Sehun shook his head “That doesn’t matter.”

Going.

“My mother sees you like another son,” he tried to reason.

“But I’m not, Junmyeon, I never was.”

Going.

“No one will accept this, we’ll lose our fame, all our success.”

“I’d rather that than lose you, Junmyeon.”

_Gone_.

“Kiss me.”

Sehun didn’t question it, immediately lunging forward to take Junmyeon’s lips in his own. Both couldn’t help the loud moan of satisfaction that escaped them, Junmyeon immediately wrapping his arms around Sehun’s neck to bring him down with him as his back heavily hit the couch. It was feverish and desperate, but how could it be anything less? For literal _years_ they’d yearned for this, and the way Sehun shoved his tongue down Junmyeon’s throat certainly proved it.

Sehun stayed leaning above Junmyeon, holding the elder’s face as he kissed him messily. A part of Junmyeon thought they should slow down, but another part of him said fuck it as he wrapped his legs around Sehun’s waist to force their bodies together. Their kiss was filthy, all tongues and teeth, and Junmyeon wanted so much _more_.

“Can I-“ Sehun tried to speak, immediately being cut off by a breathless Junmyeon.

“Do whatever the fuck you want to me.”

He pulled the younger down again, gripping his hair tightly as they both moaned loudly while licking into each other’s mouths. Sehun snaked his hand down to harshly rub over the front of Junmyeon’s sweat pants, already feeling him getting hard. It made Junmyeon throw his head back in a gasp, Sehun taking the opportunity to bite and suck at the man’s neck, wanting nothing more than to leave a mark.

“How are we doing this?” Sehun panted while nipping the smaller’s milky skin.

“You’re-“ Junmyeon panted, feeling his mouth go dry as he ran his hands down Sehun’s back. “You’re going to fuck me.”

Sehun groaned, moving his hand behind Junmyeon’s neck to pinch the back of it; causing Junmyeon’s back to arch wonderfully.

“I know you’re sensitive there,” he chuckled, receiving a light slap on the ass from the man beneath him.

Junmyeon started tugging at Sehun’s shirt, the man understanding immediately and sitting up to rip it off; making Junmyeon do the same. Before Sehun could lean back over him Junmyeon stopped him by splaying his palms flat on Sehun’s chest. Junmyeon’s eyes were lidded and lust filled as they scanned all of Sehun’s torso, rubbing his hands over every inch of skin he could reach. He leaned forward to place kisses on the younger’s chest, teasingly flicking a nipple with his tongue to make the other groan. Then, he licked a long stripe up the centre of Sehun’s chest, all while making sure to maintain eye contact with him.

“Fuck, Junmyeon,” Sehun panted, tenderly holding the sides of said man’s face while staring down at him. He moved a thumb over Junmyeon’s plump lips, Junmyeon slowly opening his mouth to lick at it. “You’re so sexy, Junmyeon.”

Junmyeon felt his cock twitch at that, sliding his hands up Sehun’s naked torso to slowly bring him down again as they both fell back together. He grabbed either side of Sehun’s face, looking into the younger’s eyes which were full of nothing but adoration for the man staring back.

“How long have you loved me?” Junmyeon asked.

“Since I first saw you.”

Junmyeon’s heart throbbed.

“That’s impossible.”

“Not with you,” Sehun huffed. “Do you love me?”

“I love you so much” Junmyeon said without thinking, surprised at how naturally it fell past his lips.

Sehun was very happy with that answer, removing the space between them as he captured Junmyeon’s lips once again. The elder simply sighed as he wrapped his arms around Sehun, squeezing him tight as if he’d try to escape.

“You showered, yeah?” Sehun asked between kisses, Junmyeon humming to confirm it. “Then you’re going to sit on my face.”

Junmyeon’s whole body shivered, the action was filthy but at that moment it seemed so, so appealing. Without time to waste Sehun grabbed the hem of Junmyeon’s pants, roughly tugging them down while keeping their tongues tangled; leaving Junmyeon to kick them off his feet. The smaller’s cock sprung up, sitting pink and hard and against his abdomen. Sehun quickly threw his own pants off and grinded their erections together, both letting out a gasp at the sweet friction.

Admittedly, Junmyeon had seen Sehun’s dick before, but never erect and never like _this_. It was definitely above average and it made Junmyeon’s mouth water; reaching down to wrap unsure fingers around it and tug.

Sehun practically wheezed, his mouth open and his eyes squeezed shut as Junmyeon kept tugging at it. He was gorgeous, Junmyeon thought as he stared up at the man; wrapping his fingers tighter to tug harder.

Sehun leaned down for another kiss, pecking at Junmyeon’s lips before moving to his neck, then his chest, then his abdomen, slowly trailing his mouth down the elder’s toned body. He gave Junmyeon’s cock a teasing lick, making the man’s hips jerk up slightly, before kissing up and down his inner thighs.

Sehun had always thought one of the best parts of Junmyeon’s body were his thighs, and he made sure it be known by continuously biting and nipping them, then leaving long, languid kisses on the skin he abused. Junmyeon could feel himself going crazy, running his hands through Sehun’s hair as he threw his head from side to side and moaned. He didn’t know what else to do, but he guessed enjoying the sensations was all he had to do.

After a bit more nipping and kissing Sehun sat up, demanding Junmyeon to do the same. The man quickly did as was told, shuffling back so Sehun could lie down flat on his back. “Now come here,” Sehun demanded, gesturing for Junmyeon to move to him.

Junmyeon sat up on his knees and, with sweating palms, scooted forward. Immediately, Sehun’s hands were on his ass, kneading them so roughly that Junmyeon’s body started to shake.

“Wow,” Sehun breathed, Junmyeon flushing hotly.

“W-what?”

“Nothing,” he chuckled breathlessly “just a great view.”

“Can you just-“ Junmyeon tried to scold, being very loudly cut off by his own yelp as Sehun licked a tongue up his rim.

Sehun didn’t stop, continuing to lick at his hyung’s rim with – what Junmyeon thought to be – far too much enthusiasm. But Junmyeon moaned, oh, did he moan. He threw his head back, his neck craned and his back arched as he pushed his ass into Sehun’s face.

Sehun’s tongue had started poking at the rim, slowly intruding it as he buried his face deeper; wanting to taste all of Junmyeon. He felt like he was dreaming, all his filthy fantasies about his lovely hyung coming to life. But Junmyeon was really moaning above him, really riding his face as he rocked back onto Sehun’s tongue, and he let out a feral grunt as he dug his tongue in further.

“Sehun,” Junmyeon panted, feeling as if he was going delirious. It was all he could say, the only word on his mind being Sehun’s name. “Sehun, Sehun, Sehun,” he chanted desperately, rocking back roughly against said man’s wonderful tongue.

Sehun moaned at how wonderful his name sounded on Junmyeon’s tongue, truly believing he was being serenaded by the other. He quickly moved himself from under Junmyeon, keeping the smaller perched on his knees as Sehun shifted around to do the same and slam their bodies together. They kissed hungrily, Junmyeon tasting himself off Sehun’s tongue but not caring in the slightest. It was only groans and grunts escaping their mouths as their cocks rubbed together; Junmyeon feverishly feeling all over Sehun’s naked body as Sehun gripped his hyung’s ass _tight_ , making him thrust up into the man.

“Fuck-“ Junmyeon sputtered, bottom lip caught between Sehun’s teeth.

“What is it, love?”

“Fuck me,” Junmyeon begged as he buried his face into Sehun’s neck to bite at it; still rubbing their lower halves together. “Fuck me, just fuck me, Sehun.”

Sehun didn’t answer, instead standing from the couch and pulling Junmyeon with him. Junmyeon felt too dazed to understand what was happening, to know why Sehun was pulling him up the stairs to their room just to switch a light on and throw him on the large bed. Junmyeon thought Sehun would join him, but instead the man began rummaging through the bedside table.

“Sehun,” Junmyeon begged, reaching an arm out to him. “Keep touching- don’t stop, please.”

Said man quickly crawled onto the bed after retrieving a small bottle of lube and a condom, kissing Junmyeon deeply. “I’m here, love,” he gasped between kisses “Junmyeon, my love.”

“Sehun” Junmyeon gasped back, hips jerking as he felt a lube covered finger circle his hole.

The younger was very careful, very tender, watching Junmyeon’s face the entire time as he slowly slipped the finger in. Junmyeon scrunched his face up at first, but let himself relax as Sehun sat his finger at the knuckle; moving it when seeing Junmyeon was comfortable.

“Another one” Junmyeon demanded after a while, whining at the intrusion of a second finger.

They were uncomfortable at first, but slowly Junmyeon started moving his hips against them, trying to get them deeper. Sehun took this as his cue to add a third finger, slipping in easier as Junmyeon adjusted to it quickly. Soon enough, Junmyeon started rocking back in time with Sehun’s thrusting fingers, moaning quietly at the tingling sensation.

Sehun decided this wasn’t enough, however, and twisted his hand around to then arch his fingers up. Junmyeon whimpered, but it still wasn’t enough for the younger, so he dug his fingers as deep as they could go and arched his fingers once more.

“ _Ah!_ ” Junmyeon yelled, making Sehun smile as looked down at the elder.

“So that’s the spot, huh?” he teased as he arched his fingers again, massaging only that spot to make Junmyeon cry out. Sehun started roughly shoving his fingers in and out of Junmyeon, far too fascinated by his hyung’s pleasure contorted face as he hit his prostate over and over again. Fingers alone had Junmyeon squirming, moving his hips along with Sehun’s hand and slightly raising them up off the bed to try and get the fingers deeper.

Eventually, Sehun decided it was enough and took them out. Junmyeon’s body slumped back onto the bed, whining at the feeling of emptiness. Sehun promised he’d be quick as he started tearing the condom packet open, however, was stopped by Junmyeon grabbing his arm.

“You’re clean?” Junmyeon questioned, receiving Sehun’s wide confused eyes in return.

“Clean?”

“Do you have STDs or not?” Junmyeon huffed in annoyance, Sehun only shaking his head in return. “Then don’t use it.”

“The condom?” Sehun gawked, looking down at the rubber then back at his hyung.

“Please, Sehun,” Junmyeon begged with lidded eyes “we’ve both waited so long. I want to feel everything.”

Sehun’s dick twitched, and Junmyeon noticed, unable to stop the sly smile that curled up his lips. He pulled Sehun back towards him, grabbing the condom from his hand and chucking it across the room before pulling the man down to kiss him for the hundredth time that night.

“You’re a deviant” Sehun gasped out, feeling Junmyeon’s smile on his lips, “but a sexy one.”

Junmyeon hummed in response, spreading his legs wide as Sehun positioned himself between them. He slathered a generous amount of lube on his dick, hoping it’d be enough to cause as less pain as possible. Slowly, he lined the tip with Junmyeon’s hole, and looked up to watch the other’s face as he patiently started to slide in.

Junmyeon’s face scrunched up, trying to make his body relax which Sehun quickly helped to do as he kissed under his jaw. With a moan from Junmyeon, Sehun continued to slide in, finally getting past the tip and making both groan as Sehun sat still to let Junmyeon adjust. The heat around his tip was intense, his thighs shaking from the feeling; the need to have his whole dick encased in the tight heat overwhelming. He didn’t have to wait long, luckily, as Junmyeon signalled for Sehun to keep going and slowly he managed to slide the rest of the way in, moaning when he bottomed out.

“Oh, god,” Sehun choked, body falling on top of Junmyeon’s. This was something he never thought he’d get to do, but now with Junmyeon around him – with the _thought_ of it being Junmyeon around him – he didn’t know how long he could last.

“Move” Junmyeon almost immediately demanded, Sehun quickly sitting up at the command.

He leaned back on his haunches and grabbed Junmyeon’s thighs, watching as his cock slid out of the tight heat before taking a deep breath and slamming himself back in. Both yelled at the feeling, Junmyeon feeling all too full and Sehun feeling dazed by the heat. He had to ready himself before doing it again, groaning this time, then doing it again and again before finally picking up a rhythm. Junmyeon reached a hand up behind his head, grabbing the leather headboard as he pushed himself down onto Sehun. The younger was so rough that Junmyeon’s body was bouncing while the bed squeaked loudly, his eyes fluttering as he tried to keep them open so he could keep staring at the gorgeous man above him.

“Where was it?” Sehun panted out, sweat now dripping down the side of his face.

“Where- where-“ Junmyeon stuttered, desperately trying to form words but ultimately failing as Sehun angled upwards to have his cock hit directly into his prostate.

Junmyeon’s eyes rolled into the back of his head as his back arched beautifully, Sehun breathing heavily at the wonderful sight beneath him. So he hit Junmyeon’s prostate again, again, again, Junmyeon moaning louder each time before he became a complete incoherent mess of sobs and cries.

Sehun moved his hands to Junmyeon’s waist, gripping them tight as he pounded Junmyeon onto his dick, enjoying the cries of pleasure from the other far too much. He ended up pulling all the way out, flipping the smaller over before he could complain and lifting his ass up to slide back in. Junmyeon moaned hoarsely as he let his head flop against the mattress, Sehun suddenly pinning the back of his neck down to tower over him and make him lift his ass up more.

Junmyeon slammed his body back harshly, loving the feeling of his ass slapping against Sehun’s hips as his cock buried deeper, deeper. He could feel drool pooling at the corner of his open mouth, uncaring of it as he clawed at the sheets and worked to make Sehun hit his sweet spot over and over again. Sehun fit with him so perfectly, as if his cock had been made just to fuck Junmyeon. The sensations were ridiculous, the pleasure blinding; it was unfair. So, so unfair.

“Can you cum with just this?” Sehun groaned, Junmyeon trying to speak but failing. “What was that, my love?”

“Y-yes,” Junmyeon stuttered out, Sehun slowing his rhythm to let him speak. “With just your cock, yes!”

“Jesus” Sehun shuddered, pulling out to change their positions once more, instead lifting Junmyeon up and back so the smaller had his back pressed against Sehun’s chest.

He wrapped his hands under his thighs and lifted Junmyeon up, spreading his legs so Junmyeon could sit between them as he lowered the smaller onto his dick. They both groaned aloud, Sehun hastily thrusting up as he gripped Junmyeon’s thighs tight; the sound of his balls slapping against Junmyeon’s ass all too deliciously filthy.

Junmyeon let his head fall back on Sehun’s shoulder, moaning as he looked up at him with cloudy eyes. The concentration on Sehun’s face as he thrusted almost animalistically – his pleasure filled expression – it had Junmyeon’s head go stuffy.  He was so handsome, so beautiful in every sense of the word, and Junmyeon didn’t know how he’d resisted temptation for so long. Junmyeon whimpered at the man, Sehun hearing the cry and tilting his head to capture Junmyeon’s lips while still thrusting into him; Junmyeon moving his hand up and around to thread through Sehun’s hair. They moved along with each other’s open mouthed kisses, Junmyeon’s moans muffled as Sehun found his prostate once more. It was all getting too much, getting too hot, and Junmyeon could feel the pit of his stomach coiling.

“I love you” Sehun panted while still kissing him, “Junmyeon, I love you.”

“Me too,” Junmyeon panted “love you…Sehun. I love you.”

“What do I do?” Sehun gasped desperately, still thrusting hard and fast.

“Cum in me,” Junmyeon begged, feeling his body about to spasm in bliss. “Cum now, now!”

Junmyeon’s heart throbbed while his body shook, one last thrust from Sehun making him cum untouched as he positively screamed.

Sehun didn’t say anything more, thrusting hard and deep into Junmyeon one last time before yelling when he released everything into the man’s tight heat. Junmyeon groaned, loud and dirty, as he felt Sehun fill him up while shuddering. The two slowly started coming down from their orgasms, humming in content when feeling the warmth inside him as Sehun’s twitching came to a stop.

They both fell back when Sehun pulled out of him, the two lying face to face; sweaty and panting. Junmyeon had never felt this exhausted after sex, but he’d also never been with Sehun, and he couldn’t help but feel giddy about it.

“That was…something else,” Sehun panted out, rolling onto his back. Junmyeon hummed in agreement, watching how Sehun’s sweat glistened chest rose up and down. He shuffled closer to the man, lying his head on Sehun’s chest and sighing in content.

“Maybe you were right” he started, “maybe I did just need to let go.”

“Well I’m sure glad you did” Sehun snickered, earning a light wack from the smaller, “I’m serious though, Junmyeon.” His tone was suddenly serious, Junmyeon feeling Sehun’s arm wrap up around him; “I really do love you, I have for so long.”

Junmyeon’s heart thumped for the dozenth time, and he felt like it was more than the post-sex glow heating up his cheeks in that moment.

“I do…too” he started unsurely, swallowing hard before continuing. “I don’t know when I started loving you, but I love you Sehun. I’m so in love with you.” It felt as if he was saying it more to himself than to Sehun, but Sehun lifting his chin to place a long kiss on his lips let him know Sehun was happy with it either way.

The kiss was long and slow, Junmyeon lazily rolling on top of him to get their tongues to tangle properly while Sehun wrapped his arms around his hyung. The feeling of their bodies pressed against each other, of their hearts thumping together; it was truly heaven. Junmyeon could only moan into Sehun’s mouth, slowly moving to his neck to suck it sweetly.

“You know,” Sehun sighed as Junmyeon licked up his neck “we still have three whole weeks left. I’m suddenly much more excited for it.”

Junmyeon hummed into his neck before sliding down Sehun’s body, ready for a round two.

The three weeks, of course, were nothing but pleasure. Junmyeon rode Sehun in the hot tub, sucked him off in the kitchen, got sucked off on the beach; even fucked on the back porch between the two huge glass doors. They spooned each other in the shower, kissed each other in the ocean and gave each other lazy hand jobs in front of the television. Sehun called him nothing but beautiful, gorgeous, _love_ , while Junmyeon said all the same back. Junmyeon was covered in marks and tender in sensitive places, but he wouldn’t have it any other way. Sehun treated him so well, so he treated Sehun well, and they made sure to get their fill of each other to make up for the years they’d longed to be together.

The summer house, Junmyeon could confidently say, was paradise. He dreaded going back to Seoul, to the portrait, but the whole time he was with Sehun he didn’t even think about it; only focusing on the way Sehun smelt, Sehun touched, Sehun felt. It was nothing but Sehun.

Sehun, Sehun, Sehun.

Stupid, gorgeous, perfect _Sehun_.

\----

It was a mistake.

When the three weeks were up, Junmyeon denied it was a mistake.

When their plane landed in Seoul, Junmyeon thought if it really was a mistake.

When his parents told him to come over for dinner, Junmyeon knew it was a mistake.

Sehun stuck closer to him now, doing little things to tease. He’d let their hands brush for a moment too long when they passed each other, let his head rest on Junmyeon’s shoulder when sitting together, be far too touchy with his leader when ‘showing’ him how to move during certain choreography parts. Sehun was clearly happy, his smiles beaming and bright.

Junmyeon, on the other hand, felt like shit.

Each touch from Sehun was a mistake, each smile Sehun sent him was a mistake, each rush of heat he felt through his body because of Sehun was a mistake. He’d given Sehun this newfound hope and he never should’ve let it happen. They were in Seoul now, Jeju already a distant memory, and Seoul was relentless. Junmyeon’s parents were so close, their house only a few miles away.

The _portrait_.

He was horrible, what he’d done to Sehun was so horrible. The kisses they’d shared, the nights and days spent together; it was all unspoken promises Junmyeon couldn’t uphold. Saying out loud that he loved him, although true, was never something that should’ve happened. So there Junmyeon was, retching into the toilet of the SM building bathroom, trying to get all the filth out of him. The nausea hadn’t stopped since arriving back in Seoul, Sehun unknowing with the rest of the group being none the wiser.

Junmyeon’s head was far too light, his entire being a wreck and dehydrated from the constant vomiting, feeling like he was about to tip over the breaking point. It’s this reason he hadn’t heard the door to the bathroom open, hadn’t noticed the footsteps making their way towards him, and hadn’t reacted to the gasp that followed when the person stumbled across his limp body.

“Hyung?” Jongdae sputtered, quickly leaning down to place a hand on the man’s arm.

Junmyeon hadn’t registered it was Jongdae, couldn’t process that someone was even next to him. All he heard was the worry in the man’s voice, the worry for _him_ , and his delirious self told him he didn’t deserve it.

“I did something horrible” Junmyeon suddenly sobbed, head resting on the side of the toilet bowl as tears fell from his closed eyes. “Sehun doesn’t deserve it, I’m horrible.”

Jongdae didn’t know how to handle the situation, all he knew was Junmyeon had an unknown sickness and was now breaking down in front of him because of Sehun? Whether he asked, he wasn’t sure, but it seemed he didn’t need to as Junmyeon continued anyway.

“Why did I give in? I should’ve never…should’ve never-“

The urge to vomit cut him off, facing back towards to the toilet bowl to puke his guts up. It was nothing but water and vitamins, being the only thing Junmyeon thought he could stomach. Jongdae could only comfort him by rubbing his back, watching with concern as the elder continued to sob through it. The sickness wore him out, though, and Junmyeon fell into Jongdae’s chest as he choked on tears while mumbling about how bad of a person he was.

“You’re not a bad person, hyung” Jongdae carefully spoke, the other shaking in his arms. Junmyeon wanted to ask how he knew, wanted to argue with him for saying something so stupid, but could only let out shuddering breaths as he felt himself drift out of consciousness.

The rest of the group helped get him home, lying him in bed and making sure to make as little noise as possible while the man slept through almost the entire week. His body was cold, breaking out in constant sweats as he kept the sheets tightly wrapped around himself. His dreams weren’t dreams, but instead visions of what he’d previously done with Sehun; the summer house now becoming a place of regret in Junmyeon’s mind. It was Sehun’s smile, Sehun’s kisses, the infatuation in Sehun’s eyes that haunted Junmyeon throughout the nights.

He was a horrible leader; he was horrible hyung.

Junmyeon eventually got through it, still feeling like a wreck but being physically well enough to partake in scheduled activities. Sehun seemed distant from him after the whole ordeal, sending worried glances that Junmyeon didn’t return, not being able to stomach looking at the man. It was during one night that a majority of the members had late schedules, that Sehun caught Junmyeon mindlessly washing plates and bowls in the kitchen sink.

The life seemed to have been drained out of the man, his skin a sickly pale colour and heavy bags constantly sitting under his eyes. Cautiously, Sehun walked into the kitchen to lean back against the bench behind Junmyeon. The elder didn’t move, didn’t even acknowledge that Sehun was there.

“Junmyeon” Sehun started unsurely, said man didn’t even flinch at his name. “The doctor came to look at you, you know, said your sickness was a mental thing.”

Still no response, no change in movement as he washed the bowl in his hand, and Sehun could slowly start to feel his stomach drop at the daunting atmosphere.

“Jongdae hyung also told me how he found you, in the bathroom, crying.” Sehun swallowed hard, afraid to say the next part. “He thinks you were crying over me.”

Slowly, the hand holding the dish sponge came to a stop. It was like the elder was frozen, unspeaking and unmoving, and it’d be a lie to say Sehun wasn’t scared. He almost jumped when Junmyeon eventually moved, placing the now clean bowl onto the drying rack. Junmyeon’s arms flopped to his sides after dropping the sponge in the sink, his hands still dripping with sudsy water.

“We shouldn’t have done it, Sehun” he spoke quietly, fearfully.

Sehun inhaled a sharp breath, wondering if he’d heard the other right.

“You haven’t forgotten, have you?” Sehun sounded desperate, “How it was on Jeju, at the summer house?”

Junmyeon shook his head, “We shouldn’t have done it.”

“You _enjoyed_ it.”

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have.”

There was nothing to say back, Sehun being too stunned to think of anything. His chest felt heavy, his heart hurting behind it, and his mind searched for anything to fix the situation. He had to change Junmyeon’s mind, had to get them out of this rut they were back in.

“I love you, Junmyeon.”

It was met with silence.

“Junmyeon, _please_.”

“We can’t be together” Junmyeon deadpanned, and Sehun felt as if he’d been punched in the gut. “But don’t think I lied, I do love you.”

“So why?”

The elder let out a tired sigh, “It’s not about love, how we feel doesn’t matter.”

Sehun could feel the tears pricking at his eyes, squeezing them shut to try and stop it. To finally have the breakthrough at Jeju island, to finally feel each other, be with each other, only for it to come back to this was infuriating. Sehun knew being with Junmyeon wouldn’t be easy, that there’d be a lot of risks to take, but he was willing to get through it all for him. Only for him.

“I thought…we could at least try? I gave you your space when we got back here, I waited for you. I’ve been waiting for you for so long, Junmyeon.” Sehun’s voice was shaky, feeling his blood boiling at how Junmyeon still hadn’t even turned to _look_ at him.

“I have a duty to my family,” Junmyeon begun calmly, the complete opposite state of Sehun. “They expect a family from me, a wife and children. You can’t give me that, Sehun, and that’s the ultimate decider for this.”

Sehun couldn’t contain himself anymore, letting the tears fall from his eyes as he bit his lip to muffle the sobs that escaped his throat.

“So that’s it?” Sehun sniffed, the elder staying silent. “Fucking _look_ at me, Junmyeon!”

Junmyeon listened to the command, turning towards the younger with indifference. Sehun’s eyes widened when seeing the other’s face, expression completely stoic while his eyes were lifeless and dark. There was nothing in him, nothing that Sehun could see, and it was terrifying.

“That’s it.”

The air was heavy, barely breathable for Sehun as he choked out a sob and let the tears drop. With one last look at Junmyeon, trying to find something, _anything_ in his eyes that could save this, he decided nothing could be done. They were so close, but Junmyeon had clearly made up his mind and it – _they_ , were a lost cause.

Sehun moved forward, holding the side of Junmyeon’s face to place a chaste kiss against his lips. Junmyeon let him, closing his eyes to feel Sehun one last time.

“I won’t stop loving you, Junmyeon. Just know that.”

Sehun had whispered it, the heartbreak in his voice prominent. His hand slowly dropped to caress Junmyeon’s cheek, his chest heaved in a broken sigh and, just like that, he walked away.

Junmyeon was left in the dimly lit kitchen alone, turning back towards the sink and biting his bottom lip to stop it from quivering. There was nothing else he could’ve done, nothing else to say. Sehun was so tempting, so very tempting, but the portrait was so menacing. The portrait that showed his father, his mother, his brother and himself.

Father.

Mother.

Son.

Son.

So why is it that Sehun’s gorgeous face stayed stuck in his mind? Why is it that his grief for losing Sehun was stronger than his fear of the portrait?

Junmyeon gripped his fingers around the kitchen sink, his knuckles going white as he thought about Sehun’s touches, as he remembered Sehun’s words, as he cried over Sehun’s wonderful self that he’d never get back again.

Sehun, Sehun, Sehun.

Junmyeon slid to the floor, covering his face as he cried helplessly.

“Sehun.”


End file.
